It seems like I waited forever to get this surgery, and now that it's over it feels like it flashed by in the blink of an eye. This trip has been surreal in more ways than I can describe. The second guessing, indecision, fear, hope...you name the emotion, I've experienced it.
Now that it's over I can think more objectively about where I'm at. But during the first few days after surgery the pain and disorientation caused me to doubt my decision. While laying in the hospital bed after the operation I panicked, feeling like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. The day after surgery as the physical therapists were helping me out of bed for my first steps was easily the scariest moment in my life. Would I be able to walk properly? Could I bear weight? Would my legs buckle like an accordion?
My rational mind knew I would be just fine. But I wasn't thinking rationally. My thoughts were all coming from a place of fear. Over twenty years of pain, all coming down to this moment. The sense of relief as I put one foot in front of the other, then another, and another, was overwhelming. I smiled, truly smiled, for the first time in far too long.
At the risk of sounding dramatic, the pain that followed over the course of my stay at Augusta Hospital was 'next level', meaning I've never experienced such intense pain in my life. Nothing could assuage my fear during that time. I was told that everything I was experiencing was common, and that in time the pain would diminish. Again, my rational mind wasn't buying it.
Every day I'd walk a little more, increasing my pace around the 6th floor, waving to the nurses with each lap. While the pain fluctuated, reaching white hot peaks, I continued to walk, take the stairs, and practice getting in and out of bed with all the dexterity of a moose doing the waltz . Fear and hope continued their tug of war, each staking their claim, neither declaring victory.
I've been advised to be patient by doctors and friends. Patience is a funny thing, and people sometimes mistake fear for impatience. I know that my pain will improve over time, and any frustration concerning my progress (or lack of progress) isn't an indication that I'm impatient with my recovery. My frustration is based in fear. Fear that I might not return to normal, or at least a close facsimile of normal. No one who has been in pain for decades expects immediate relief. But we hope for progress, and when progress seems stalled it invites fear to step in and trick us into believing for even a moment that, 'This is it. This is your life from now on'.
But as I sit here 12 days removed from surgery, my back feels slightly better today than it did a week ago. The pain is still far worse than before the surgery, but I have felt improvement since the operation. So I'm feeling optimistic that I'm progressing. A physical movement that required complete focus last week, feels almost natural today. I expect a very long rehab. In fact, I expect a lifelong course of rehabilitation. And I'm putting my faith and trust into the disc replacement patients who have come before me and the doctors who all tell me it's going to improve over time.
I want to thank Dr. Bierstedt for performing a flawless surgery. I'll be diligent in my recovery and make sure your work lasts as long as I do. Thanks also to Malte and the staff at ONZ and Medicos for all your help. This difficult trip was made much easier because of your hard work and dedication.
For those of you who have received email updates with each blog post, I'm going to remove your email addresses from the list. I'm going to continue to update my blog, but you can come visit on your own whenever you like. Thanks for following me along this trip. Being here alone was much easier to manage knowing you were along for the ride.
I'll be back in Los Angeles Monday afternoon. Fanny, on the way home we're hitting Killer Shrimp!
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